The following article stems from our two senior editors being kind of drunk one night. It started when we began speculating, if all of today’s prominent media figures got into a brawl, who would win? We had to scientifically come up with an answer.
The IDW-WWE was organized by Senior Editors A. and S. and referee’d by RuPaul Charles.
ROUND ONE, PART ONE
Bracket #1: Joe Rogan v. Alex Jones
The very delusional Mr. Jones said he wanted to be put up against the person we thought was the most likely to win. Sadly he suffered a heart attack two minutes into the fight. He tried to run away from Rogan, screaming, and his body couldn’t handle the sudden jolt of adrenaline. He is currently recovering in hospital, where he insists that his doctors are Lizard People and are poisoning him for exposing their secrets.
Bracket #2: Ana Kasparian v. Dave Rubin
We only invited men to participate in the IDW-WWE for obvious reasons, but Ana Kasparian insisted she belonged in it as well, citing ‘there are no physiological or psychological differences between men and women and I can beat up a man if I want to.”
And so the event organizers hummed and hawed. They didn’t want to see her get hurt too badly and then try to sue their pants off. “Let’s put her up against a gay,” they reasoned. “No, a Jew. No, a Liberal. No, we’ve got it: Dave Rubin.”
The first match didn’t last long. As the two stepped into the ring, not a single punch needed to land. She burst out into tears as soon as she looked at him, claiming, ‘he raped me with his eyes.’
Bracket #3: Owen Benjamin v. Richard Dawkins
Richard Dawkins characteristically did not take the IDW-WWE very seriously and put the necessary thought into preparation. He asked to fight a Christian man, thinking his self-determined morals would carry him through the tournament.
Sadly, Owen Benjamin is 6’7. They don’t call him Big Bear for nothing. Dawkins’ age and ego were of no help either. After he tapped out, Benjamin took a Bible from his back pocket and gave it to Dawkins as a peace offering. The two remain enemies.
Bracket #4: Ezra Klein v. Sam Harris
As the two never got to reach any good conclusions during their feud thanks to Ezra Klein’s inability to engage in an actual conversation, we figured this might be a more effective way to hash it out. But we were a little scared for Sam Harris at first. We knew Ezra Klein must possess some athletic ability, as he has proven to be excellent at bending over backwards, mental gymnastics, playing hide and go seek with the truth, and dodging valid concerns and criticisms.
It turned out Sam Harris learned psychic abilities through meditation over the years, however, and he was accurately able to see every one of Ezra’s attacks coming and outwit him. Sam emerged a victor, and is now facing hate crime charges from the Southern Poverty Law Center for beating up a religious minority.
Bracket #5: Tommy Robinson v. Maajid Nawaz
I’ll be honest, I was a little scared for where this one was going to go. Upon realizing the religious denomination of his opponent, a certain rage filled Mr. Robinson’s eyes. Maajid was too polite to hit back, however, and quickly surrendered, asking Tommy Robinson if they could go out for a beer and talk about their views. The two have remained friends until this day.
Bracket #6: Cenk Uyger v. Jim Acosta
Similarly to Ana Kasparian, Jim Acosta whined and cried like a baby to convince us to allow him to participate in the fight. We decided to put him up against Cenk Uyger. Nobody else had agreed to fight Cenk, claiming they’d never be able to wash his smell off their fists after the battle.
Jim Acosta rushed into the ring ten minutes before his fight even started, stood in the middle of it and chanted “Look at me, look at me, I’m Jim Acosta, look at me.” When he saw Cenk approaching he wet his pants and ran away screaming. Cenk beat his chest like a gorilla and howled in victory.
Bracket #7: Dana Loesch v. Colion Noir
This one was over quickly. (Dana Loesch was allowed in because she was armed). Colion and Dana shot each other, both missed, and left together laughing to go check out each other’s firearms collections.
Bracket #8: Steven Crowder v. Steven Pinker
Humanity might be becoming less and less violent every year, as Steven Pinker likes to point out. His optimism stemming from his research led him to never learn how to fight.
Like the previous match, the Battle of the Stevens didn’t take long. Steven Pinker’s PhD couldn’t help him out this time, and Steven Crowder beat the shit out of him.
Bracket #9: Andrew Klavan v. Michael Knowles
The competition to become the second most-watched show on The Daily Wire suddenly got a whole lot fiercer. Andrew Klavan turned out to be a little tougher than we expected him to be, and Michael Knowles turned out to be exactly as tough as we thought he was.
STAY TUNED FOR ROUND ONE, PART TWO OF THE IDW-WWE,
COMING UP NEXT WEEK FROM THE SENIOR EDITORS OF THE THINKER’S RIGHT
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