The following article stems from our two senior editors being kind of drunk one night. It started when we began speculating, if all of today’s prominent media figures got into a brawl, who would win? We had to scientifically come up with an answer. If you missed Part I, check it out here.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We don’t actually think Brett Kavanaugh is rapey, the meme just worked too well with this article. We respect and support you in real life, Brett.
The IDW-WWE was organized by Senior Editors A. and S. and referee’d by RuPaul Charles.
ROUND ONE, PART TWO
Bracket #10: James Damore v. David Hogg
The second half of the first round started off on a fun and rather inconsequential note: the Featherweight Championship. With allegorical ties to the fight for free speech against governmental repression, our two opponents weakly went at each other; most swings they took failing to land. Finally, after about ten minutes of this, as the audience was beginning to chant, “Shoot David Hogg, Shoot David Hogg,” Damore hit Hogg on his upper arm. Hogg bruised almost instantly and cried for his mom, as the referee brought him a band-aid and an aspirin.
Bracket #11: Thomas Sowell v. Brett Kavanaugh
“I said, I LIKE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER.”
Said a very, very drunk Mr. Kavanaugh, stumbling into the ring. His suit was disheveled, his tie on loosely. He seemed extra-rapey tonight. The referee approached him, asking him if he’d like to just come back next week for another chance. They had been prepared for this; they were expecting it to happen.
“Why would I want to sit this one out? I’M NOT DRUUUUUUUUUUNK.” A strange smell faintly reminiscent of Pabst Blue Ribbon hovered around him, becoming stronger when he spoke.
RuPaul shrugged, deciding that after all, this could make the fight a little more even for the 88-year-old Thomas Sowell.
Fortunately, Thomas Sowell remembered to bring his baseball bat. He had originally intended it as a sort of good-luck charm; a memory of his athletic days when he almost played for the LA Dodgers. But when he saw the state Kavanaugh was in, he brought it into the ring with him. Three strikes, and Brett was out.
Bracket #12: Stefan Molyneux v. Kanye West
Molyneux doesn’t believe in violence. He accepted our proposition to attend the IDW-WWE because he thought this could be a great opportunity to discuss some philosophy peacefully. He was wrong.
We prepared Kanye West for the show by playing some footage of Molyneux talking about race in his, um, “scientific” fashion. Kanye wasn’t impressed. Facing each other in the ring, Molyneux brought up Nietzsche, and Kanye brought down his fists.
Molyneux hit the floor, hard. “But, but – can’t we talk about evolution? Just, scientifically speaking of course, I’m supposed to beat you! Science determined this, so violence doesn’t have to!”
Standing by his principles, Molyneux refused to fight against Kanye. But Kanye was here to play dirty, sinking his teeth into Molyneux’s left ankle. The referees stepped in, but nobody was able to pull him off. After nearly losing his foot, Molyneux is reconsidering his stance on violence, as well as when it’s appropriate to talk about race.
Bracket #13: Trevor Noah v. Gavin McInnes
Trevor was stoked for this fight, for this opportunity to take down a racist and prove to the world that Good! Can! Prevail! Against! RAAAAACISM!!!! All the other sucky late night hosts were in the audience to cheer him on: Smash that racist! Smash that racist!
The tables were turned for Trevor when Gavin, accompanied by his Native wife and their three half Native children, showed up. Trevor accused Gavin of paying off actors and exploiting their cultural traditions; Gavin showed him the family scrapbook of pictures of him getting married and playing with his children at various stages in their family’s development, along with their birth certificates and the results of genetic tests proving he was indeed their father. Trevor fainted, and Gavin won before the match could even begin. The late night hosts, in solidarity with Trevor, are thinking of ways they can disprove his family’s Native ancestry.
Bracket #14: Eric Weinstein And Bret Weinstein v. Harvey Weinstein
Eric and Bret Weinstein were getting really, really sick of pretending it was ‘wein-styne,’ not ‘wein-steen,’ not wanting to be affiliated with the Weinstein that muddied the name forever. It was time for them to break their moral behaviour, and show Harvey what a real Weinstein is supposed to look like. That fat old fuck Harvey had no moves up his sleeve besides trying to sexually assault them, and just wasn’t attracted to those brothers enough to try anything. The brothers, on the other hand, well, there were two of them. They had the match in minutes. Harvey Weinstein left the ring blind.
The Weinstein brothers, having reclaimed their name, high-fived while shouting ‘The Wein-steens are back!” The audience cringed at the name, and they decided to go back to pretending it was pronounced the other way.
Bracket #15: Obnoxious Male Feminist v. Professor Jordan B. Peterson
Sensing his fifteen minutes were coming to an end, that psycho male feminist from the infamous roundhouse-kick video demanded we let him participate in the match in a desperate attempt to not become obsolete.
Professor Jordan B. Peterson was not impressed by his post-modern neo-Marxism. He also suspected he hadn’t cleaned his room recently, resulting in his terrible fashion choices and overall bad odour. The obnoxious male feminist was blinded by the glare coming off of Peterson’s very shiny new suit, and was having trouble aiming his roundhouse kicks in the right direction. Peterson’s a little on the frail side, what with his severe autoimmune disease, but it wouldn’t take one of his intellect to figure out his opponent had no other tricks up his sleeve.
Peterson let him tire himself out with those kicks, simply stepping aside with each one, and eventually he got tired and started messing up his technique. He tore a ligament trying to perform the difficult move, and insisted on being taken to a women’s hospital to avoid dealing with patriarchal doctors. He is now facing difficulty receiving the medical services he needs with his inability to realize how women’s hospitals actually work.
Bracket #16: Michael Eric Dyson v. Michael Eric Hymen
What Michael Eric Dyson really wanted was to beat up a white guy, but was intrigued by such a similar name to his appearing on the list of candidates he could go up against. He was also shocked to find out that this so-called Michael Eric Hymen was reporting to be his cousin. (For those who are ignorant, Mr. Hymen is a columnist for The Thinker’s Right. He enjoys discussing racism, diversity, inclusivity, and other leftist bullshit. You can check out his column, Decolonize This!)
When they met in the ring, Michael Eric Hymen ran at Dyson, yelling, “My cousin! My hero! I meet you in person, at last!” Dyson was horrified by the sight of a three-hundred pound man who looked oddly like him running at him, wearing a blue and pink patterned moo moo and a bizarre pink hat.
“Who the fuck are you? What’s that thing in your head?” Dyson droned, like the hand dryers that share his name.
“I’m Michael Eric Hymen! I self-identify as your Canadian cousin! And this is my clitoris toque, it’s sort of the Canadian equivalent of the pussy hat. I invented it!”
Dyson was confused and horrified, not knowing how to proceed with this situation. Then Hymen spotted Kavanaugh standing at the side of the ring, and started crying.
“RAAAAAPE! RAAAAAAAAPE! RAAAAA-AAAPE,” he bawled, running off the stage trying to get his stubby little fingers around Kavanaugh’s neck.
With the entire audience very unsure of what exactly was going on, RuPaul declared Michael Eric Dyson the winner of the match, hoping they could forget about this strange meeting as soon as humanly possible.
Bracket #17: Ben Shapiro v. Milo Yiannapolous
Ben decided he wanted to take down Milo for what Milo did to him when his son was born, but his ego and anger exceeded his abilities.
I heavily doubt Milo has ever won a fight before in his life. Ben came at him, sissy-fight slappy style, trying to distract him by throwing around facts that didn’t care about Milo’s feelings. But all Milo had to do was lift up Ben by his tie and toss him out of the ring. Ben’s only about four foot eleven, he weighs about ninety pounds, so it was kind of like momma bird kicking her young out of the nest.
Bracket #18: Riley Dennis v. Blaire White
Okay, okay, we know, they’re both women… now. You understand exactly why we put them in this fight up against everybody else.
Blaire White won this fight by stabbing Riley Dennis’s disturbingly large Adam’s apple with her freshly done very long acrylic nails. We’ll have our eyes on Blaire for the rest of the match, considering she found a way to sneak some serious weapons in without anybody else noticing…
STAY TUNED FOR ROUND TWO OF THE IDW-WWE,
COMING UP NEXT WEEK FROM THE SENIOR EDITORS OF THE THINKER’S RIGHT
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